Confessions from a Stoic

Every year it’s the same. I’m a little too good at being stoic, except when my birthday comes around. Then I swing into dangerously emotional territory. I’ve become rather quite good at throwing myself pity parties. On the day of my birthday, I so desperately seek to be loved. My heart burns with desire to be affirmed by those in my life. All those days of the year where I supress that desire, I’m further away from God then when I stumble into this scary vulnerability that creeps up on me this time of year. I acknowledge my desire for love and fear that I could never be worthy of that love.

As I pray and reluctantly accept the desires of my heart, I understand that my natural tendency to forgo asking God to answer my desires comes from a place of false piety, modesty and pride. I don’t want to bother God with my need for love, so I ignore that need of a Saviour. Isn’t it ironic that the love that I so greatly long for, the love that our Father offers us, is the thing I fear most? This is why I dislike my birthday. I desperately search for that fulfilling love everywhere except in Him and thus am never satisfied.

No one can satisfy like He does. The love we experience here on earth from our families, friends and significant others can never fulfill us. They are only meant to be a reflection of His love that directs our hearts towards Him. When we seek to have these people complete us, we let our desires be distorted. Tomorrow, as I turn 23, I want my heart to be wide open and filled with His love. I pray for the humility to acknowledge my total dependence and need for God. Lord, humble me. Help my unbelief. Let my heart rest in You. There, I know all of my desires will be met.

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