I had the strangest feeling last night as I was falling asleep. I suspect I’m overanalyzing, but I’ve been so torn when it comes to my vocation, I’m bound to overthink. As I was falling asleep I got this very sudden real feeling that my future spouse was praying for me right in that moment. I don’t want to accept it. I’m not sure why. I think there’s a part of me that is afraid that if I don’t chose a vocation of celibacy, I’m not loving God as much as I can. It’s not that I don’t see marriage as a sacrament, I do. It’s just that my brain has heard it so many times: “Celibacy is a greater call”. Not to mention how my heart turns so often to the Dominicans in Summit, New Jersey. Whenever I think of the future, these Sisters come into my mind.
What if my means to sanctification truly is through marriage? The feeling of my future spouse praying for me last night was so vivid, so strong, I can’t shake it off. I’ve always fought the idea of praying for my future spouse because I was afraid I was telling God I was closed to His will and was gung ho on marriage. I’m deciding to put these anxieties on hold until I see my spiritual director next, but I already know what he will tell me because he’s told me numerous times: “God is not a villain. He will not keep your vocation a secret from you”.
I’m going to concern myself with my present obligations and duties of the day. That’s all our Father truly wants of us: to do little acts with great love.