I went to Montreal this weekend to find some beauty and peace; to rest. I found myself acknowledging that I am struggling in my faith. My intellect is convicted of God’s existence and the truth of the Church, but my heart resists God’s kingship. How do I bring my heart where my head is? I can’t seem to reconcile reason and faith.
I’ve read the apologetics, I don’t need another written explanation of God’s infinite love. I need to encounter it. God’s love is an encounter – a relationship.
As in every relationship, we need to invest time, and be vulnerable with the other, in order for it to grow in love. I’m trying to make more room for God in my life. I may not feel His presence in my life, but I know it is there. I will continue to abandon myself to Him and His will, though my heart hurts, and I do not understand it.
My faith is weak, but I have hope. While visiting St. Joseph’s oratory, hoping for some healing from my health issues, I found myself suprisingly not asking for that intention as I prayed over St. André’s tomb, but rather asking St. André and St. Joseph to help me accept God’s will. It was a supernatural moment. It was the last thing I wanted to pray for, but having just gone to Mass I had the graces to let the Holy Spirit move my heart.
As I walked away from the tomb, my husband commented on how this place was thin. I asked what he meant. He explained that he felt as though there were only a small degree of seperation here between heaven and earth.
Yes, I nodded with tears in my eyes. The Church is thin.