HOW TO PLAN A FIGHT, AND WHY IT’S THE LOVING THING TO DO

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One of my most recent Sunday tea dates with my Beau

Sunday is a sacred day of the week for me. I go to Mass. I’m intentional about praying and my relationship with God. It’s also the time where I’m intentional with my romantic relationship.

Sundays I plan on fighting. 

I know, “What, she PLANS on fighting?”.

Hear me out. Has your significant other ever done something to irrate or hurt you, but it was either around other people, or at the moment you didn’t know it hurt you (shout out to introverts who sometimes take longer to process…)? Have you ever harbored a grudge because you can’t tell them you’re hurt or upset and they just need to know RIGHT now and you end up blowing up in a really ungraceful way?

Yeah, I’ve been there… More than once.

Which is why I plan to fight. My Sunday ritual involves going to Mass with my boyfriend, then it usually is followed by having him spoil me and make me brunch. Afterwards we spend some intentional quality time, whether it be watching a Fr. Brown episode on Netflix and getting some cuddles in, listening to a good podcast, doing some window shopping, going out for tea/coffee, reading together, whatever it may be, we try and really enjoy each other’s company and relax.

At this point, when we’re both relaxed, is when we look at the week ahead, make our plans for our dates/when we’ll see each other, and then we open up the floor for discussing our hurts (a.k.a. fighting). By Sunday we’ve had time to think throughout the week about anything we may feel needs to be addressed, or perhaps can be let go. The beautiful thing is we’ve usually spent a few hours being filled with grace and being reminded of why we love one another before we jump into what can be a tough conversation.

Some weeks there are no fights, and we laugh, and count ourselves blessed to not have any hurts with which we need to confront the other. Other weeks, we have those difficult conversations, but by being so intentional about how we approach these conversations, we are far more loving and sensitive in how we go about it.

Have you ever planned to fight with your significant other? How do you go about bringing up your hurts? Let me know in the comments! I’m always looking to improve my communication game. It’s not my strength. I tend to bottle things up, and then forget about them until I later unexpectedly erupt like a crazy volcano (not fun for either party involved). Planning to fight keeps me accountable. It forces me to be vulnerable, and ultimately, that makes me far more loving. Healthy relationships require vulnerabiltiy.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

P.S. This is what is working in my relationship in my current state of life. It may not be what works for you, but you do you, boo. I would add that some fights do need to happen right away, because you risk being distant and unloving if you don’t resolve the issue.

6 thoughts on “HOW TO PLAN A FIGHT, AND WHY IT’S THE LOVING THING TO DO

  1. Yasssssss girrrrrl!
    Being intentional is what prevents your fight from becoming petty bickering. Really, being intentional with all your actions towards your other will prevent all sorts of pettiness.

  2. I think a more thought out intentional time to fight is a very good idea. It would allow both to feel heard and boundaries established.

    In marriage, I think those boundaries are harder to maintain because you’re together in a different way. It’s a constant together for menial daily grind which is emotionally taxing leading to a habit of less intention.

    1. I can only imagine! It must require a lot of intentionality to keep things fresh; to always pursue and continue to learn about the other.

  3. This is such a lovely way to approach difficult conversations! I don’t have a significant other but I find I have to approach my friendships in a similar way. It’s hella scary bringing up hurt but it’s so important. Vulnerability is strength.

    1. GEN! Yes. Vulnerability is scary, because it’s uncomfortable, but that’s the only way to grow. I’m glad you could get something from my post. I didn’t want it to be just for peeps in relationships 😉

  4. My husband and I totally plan to fight! One of us will say, “Hey I really think we need to talk about topic X.” We pick a date and time and we give each other one question to think about before getting together.” It helps us come together in a calm way and having thought out what we want to say. It’s not always perfect but it’s way better than giving into tempers the moment the arise!

    So awesome to be working on this now. I think it took us three years to figure this out!

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