It’s infertility awareness week. It’s something I don’t talk about much, but it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be discussed. I wrote about my struggles with subfertility last year, and the response I got was overwhelming. There are so many hearts that are breaking over this heavy cross – mine included.
A cloud of darkness has overshadowed me since I was diagnosed with PCOS and my faith has been struggling. Yet I can’t help but see that in the midst of all of this pain, all of this suffering, there is good that has emerged from it. There’s no denying that my faith is being stretched and I am being called to mature in my relationship with God. This is not a season of consolations. God is asking me to seek Him despite the pain, despite unanswered prayers, and I am. I seek Him, because I know that He loves me.
He looks at my heart, as He pours His out, hanging on the cross. The cross is the reminder that He bore the ultimate suffering so that I would never have to buy the lie that I am alone. Whatever pain, whatever struggle you are facing, you are not alone. You are loved by a God who has made you and known you from the womb. He keeps a record of every tear you cry. There is no suffering in which Jesus does not accompany you. The Lord has promised to deliver us from our distress.
I reflect on the sweetness of my honeymoon spent in the Rocky Mountains, and all of the beauty of God’s wilderness I saw during that week. That beauty remains in the depth of my heart.
I was in need of this verse today, of the truth of His deep, unmoving love. My prayer is that if you are feeling despair, you would know you are not alone.
You are loved.
For I, Yahweh, your God, I grasp you by your right hand; I tell you, ‘Do not be afraid, I shall help you.” Isaiah 41:13
I am in desperate need of peace. The First Reading from today’s Mass are the words my soul is aching for. I ache for that promise of love. A covenant between myself and someone bigger, someone in charge: God.
There is a reoccurring pattern of fear being synonymous with a lack of peace in my life; a lack of silence. I need to actively seek out silence if I want to make room for peace. Where in my day can I make room for more silence? For me, that’s often during my lunch hour. Today I used it to go to Mass. At times, I go to the library (picture above, along with my lovely friend Chanelle).
Fight for that silence, fight for that peace. It will come, I promise, but only if you desire it and seek it. God’s love and peace will not be forced upon you.
My day was filled with annoyances, some small, some big, but grace carried me through it. In moments where I just thought I couldn’t muster that smile, I couldn’t keep working, I couldn’t slow my anxious breath, He grasped me by the hand.
It all comes back to making that room for silence. When we create healthy habits, we’re far more likely to give ourselves the chance to grow in virtue. My habits to foster silence have included starting each and every day with a devotional and some scripture (the daily readings) as making sure there is at least one day a week where I go to meditate/pray the Mass before, during lunch, or after work.
Take a moment and pick some small way where you can cultivate silence in your day. Something small. This is key; If you pick many habits, or unattainable habits, they will never become habits. You will beat yourself up as soon as you skip a day and are far less likely to keep fighting to cultivate that silence.
Christmas season is almost upon us. Advent is a time for us to quieten our hearts, an invitation to be especially mindful of silence in our lives. Between the Old Testament and the birth of Jesus Christ, there was roughly 400 years of silence from God. The season of Advent reflects this silence and is a call to prepare ourselves to receive the joy and the peace we all desperately want.
I have no difficulty wasting time. I spend a lot of time doing things that matter very little to me. Yet if I spend so much time on these things, my actions are speaking more loudly than my words.
I want to live a life where I am making time for what matters the most to me: becoming a saint. I want to make time to pray. I want to sit in His silence and let His sweet Word comfort me and bring me the peace that I so desperatly long for. I want to make time in my day to go to Mass, to perhaps meet with less friends, but be more present with the ones that I am seeing. I want to make time to nurture the talents God has given me, and to explore the dreams he has written on my heart. I want to trust that He has placed them there because He can fulfill them, whether on earth or in heaven. I need to have faith that He understands my human constraints on time and that He doesn’t ask me to do anything other than what I can physically do with the time that is given to me. That being said, I pray to have wisdom to discern how my time should be used. I want to live a life so well spent that at the end of it I feel like a squeezed out lemon. I don’t want to waste the time that has been gifted to me.
I dressed up as Marie-Antoinette for a Halloween outing on Saturday evening. Without a doubt my favourite part was styling my hair. It took me perhaps 30 minutes to create the look. A lot quicker than my normal blow drying, hot tool styling bonanza. Wish it were Halloween every day, I’d be sporting this style more often 😉
I have to say, my Ottawa Fashion Week experience was tenfold better than the last. I’d like to thank Julie from Pop Champagne who so graciously invited me although we had only met once. What a kind and beautiful person she is (and really witty at that!). These two dresses were part of Samuel Dong‘s collection and I think I might have gone a wee bit gaga when I saw them. Can you tell that I’m a total girly girl? I also really loved Rachel Sin’s collection, pretty and feminine, but lot’s of structure! Actually, I could be happy wearing nothing but her collection, it was so well rounded; had everything a girl could need in her wardrobe.
(ph harold knight)
I’ve gotten my mind off by training like I once used to. Funny thing how I never got the freshman 15, but actually lost weight (muscle weighs more than fat!). Although, I’m a huge advocate of avoiding scales and going by how your clothes fit and how you feel. I just started running after two years of being lazy (unless you count the occasional golf game or going out dancing) and was quite pleased to reach the milestones I wanted to reach.
I’m still waking up around 5 am, but now it’s because I’m rested, not because my job requires me to wear myself out. I chose to trust the path God is leading me down. I feel far more healthy than I have in a longggg time. By healthy, I also mean far less stressed. I’m handing in my former work BlackBerry tomorrow and feel like having some bubbly to celebrate. No one should ever be on call 24/7. I have so much admiration for politicians who last more than 1 election campaign. They suck everything out of you (unless of course, you’re vacationing in Vegas*…)
Oh dear, I get to go into a budget lock-up today. No connection to the outside world for three or more hours. Good news is, my mom made it back from Paris despite a moment of panic over a stolen passport and wallet (it was finally returned) and called me this morning to let me know she brought me back some goodies (including some chocolate she picked up in Switzerland!!!).
(ph: kasia struss for ?)
PS. I glimpsed Justyna for .5 seconds as I was escaping to cupcakes and just wanted to say, her dress was beautiful, I hope she posts pictures of it so I can swoon some more over it’s beauty.
My apartment was listed Tuesday and gone yesterday. Here I was stressing that it would take weeks, if not MONTHS for it to fly away. I underestimated the value of my little Amélie Poulain living quarters. I will really miss it, but just thinking of the place I’m moving in with my TWO walk-in closets in May cheers me right up 🙂 Plus, I’ll be living in the heart of downtown once again (not that my 15 minute walk to downtown is that bad…) Hope everyone is having a lovely week. All the runway shows that are streemed online have been keeping me visually feasting for the last two weeks ♥
PS. I ordered online a latin textbook to continue learning even though I am no longer taking classes. Nerd award?
I’m starting up dancing after a long one year break. After 16 years of dancing I really needed a mental break from the dance world. I’m terrified, but can’t wait at the same time. It’s part of my 2011 resolutions. I’m just glad to be going back to a dance studio, what with work and school and LIFE… it’ll be nice to do something for moi. What are your New Year resolutions? I’m going to
1. Go to Church every week
2. Be kind to the ones I love
3. Dance my worries away
4. Polish off Debussy’s Rêverie on the piano.
(I’ve been playing it for a year and am still unsatisfied with the way I play it).
5. Drink more water
(ph demure folk)
(ph tim walker for vogue uk)
(ph jamie isaia)
(ph walker for vogue us)
(ph vogue uk)